blog.bagaki.com

When trying to escape from your locked trunk like MacGyver, Harry Houdini, or Siegfried and Roy it is recommended to first try unlocking the trunk before jumping in and closing the lid. Once you are locked in your trunk and you realize that you cannot reach the lock mechanism without pliers, you will be forced to lay there for 45 minutes until someone walks by. Even worse is trying to explain why you locked yourself in the trunk of your car. Even worse is the lifelong harassment of such an ordeal.

Fall is one of my favorite seasons of the year. I also like Spring, Summer, and Drunk.

When I go to hotels I like to talk to the mirrors like there is someone behind them watching me with a hidden camera. I tell the magic mirror things like, “your hand soap sucks” or “I bet you don’t want to see this”. This way, if there really is someone watching from behind the mirror, they know I’m on to their game.

I once knew a man from Gary, Indiana. He was kind of an asshole.

Why would a man walk when he can fly?
Why would a man constrict his thoughts when there are no boundaries?
Why would a man doubt himself when there is no reason for doubt?
Why would a man play by the rules when there are none?
Why would a man loose hope when hope is on his side?
Why would a man worry when all he has to do is believe?

If I was ever lost in the woods and a bear attacked me, I wouldn’t put up a fight. I would let the beast toss me like a rag-doll for a while, just to make him think he was macho. Then I would pull out my trusty machete and carve a hut from his steaming carcass.

Hey, this tastes like Ovaltine.

Think about it.

When I go out with friends and I meet new people, I like to pretend that they are “the ones” after me. I will sit back and act relaxed while I stare them down, showing them “they won’t get me”. I especially like to stare at the fat ones, they seem the most likely to be my killer. I have just always pictured a fat man killing me, but only after I make him earn it. He will be sweating his ass off when he is done. That will make me feel good.

Sometimes I like to pretend I am in crazyland where everyone speaks a language I don’t understand. Then I walk around speaking my own language and pretend that I am the only “normal” person around. This way, when people ask me questions in the grocery store, I can respond with, “grulick de del mio”. Then I stare at them with a blank face.

If I could be any bug I think I would be head lice. I don’t know what head lice eat, but it can’t be that bad.

Sometimes I look away from people then talk to them without moving my lips. When they respond I look at them and say “I didn’t say anything”

When I was a kid I used to capture ants and put them into a bucket full of sand. I guess I don’t know what I expected them to do, they just died. Now I capture dead ants and put them into a bucket full of sand, to give them their proper burial.

Sometimes I like to pretend that I am a magical wizard that can float and cast spells on dogs.

Whenever I eat spaghetti, I always cut the noodles with my fork first. This way I will not choke on them, because I never want my obituary to read, “choked on spaghetti”