Tried to get it setup to just show the damn video but no such luck. I feel like I want to punch wordpress and youtube. God damn it, I could barely even figure out how to insert a mother fucking hyperlink either.
Recently reviewed the new Bond film and found it quite entertaining, albeit a bit long. However, in my personal opinion the length of this film is acceptable due to the fact that the new Bond (Daniel Craig) is refreshingly different, yet still maintaining the qualities of Bond that we all appreciate in any good Bond film.
So here’s a new drink featured in the film (ordered “large” so it is, as I understand, double portions of each). Consider it. Drink it. Tell us all how it is.
The Vesper Martini
3 oz Gin
1 oz Vodka
0.5 oz Lillet Blanc (A specifically “necessary” type of Vermouth)
and apparently to be served in a deep wine goblet with a lemon peel - this is per the original book of the same title’s description. In the film the drink is served “up” in the usual martini glass.
Mmmm…Those eggrolls tasted sooooo good. Especially with that homemade sauce concoction of just the right amount of Kraft brand sweet and sour, kikomann stirfry sauce and kikkomann soy sauce…So very good. Whoa, spellcheck corrected my extra ooos on the last “good”. But it was soooo gooooood. I felt compelled to RUN upstairs and write down how good it is/was…yes…I…Am…Pathetic…and…blahhh
Anyone seen a commercial for Orkin Pest Control recently? I saw one tonight with the Orkin man in it and I thought it was strange because he is wearing a hard hat. What the fuck would a pest control man need a hard hat for?
Another commercial I noticed recently was one on the radio for Cub Foods advertising their boneless skinless chicken breasts where they talk to (supposedly) real customers about their feelings towards Cub boneless skinless chicken breasts. It makes for a pretty goddamn annoying commercial with the fake customers cracking jokes that are reminiscent of Bob Sagat as the host of America’s Funniest Home Videos. But the best is when some guy in the commercial says “Why did the boneless skinless chicken cross the road?…To get to Cub Foods.” Funny stuff, but I couldn’t help but wonder, Why did the boneless skinless chicken cross the road? More like How did it cross the road.
I love commercials.
So maybe about two years ago I was driving to a Target store, following my girlfriend because I didn’t know how to get there. The idea was that I was gonna buy her an affordable flat screen T.V. for her birthday or something of that nature. It took about twenty minutes to get there and she parked first in a spot directly ahead of mine. As I was getting out of the car I turned to watch her get out and she was looking at me like she wanted to make me melt like that guy does at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark”.
“What the fuck is your problem?!” she asks angrily, and I respond (completely dumbfounded),
“What do you mean?”
“You were yelling at me the whole ride over here, what the hell’s going on?”
“Jesus,I wasn’t yelling,” I say, “I was singing in the car.”
“Well what the hell were you singing? It looked like you were yelling at me.”
And I sit there for a moment in silence and decide to tell her the truth.
“I was singing Michael McDonald.”
Everything you never cared to know about The Cos.
Because there’s always room for Jello - and surveys!
This looks like the next big show on NBC’s Thursday night lineup!
Have you ever read the critic quotes on movie covers? I use them as indicators of how good the movie is. The thing is that most people who read them don’t even look where they came from and that’s the really important thing. Most people probably don’t even read them, because they’re all so alike. For example, many of them use the same adjectives and phrases such as “gut wrenching”, “Stunning”, “Edge of your seat thrills”, “A Gritty Action Adventure”, “Three out of Four Baldwins approve”, “The Best Film of the Year!”, “One of the Years Best Films!”, “One of the ten best films of the year!”, “A Masterpiece”, “Four Stars!”, “Five Stars!”, “It Will Keep you Riveted to your Seat!”, “Nail Biting Suspense!”, “Will keep you guessing until the Very End!”, “A Gut Busting Gorge-fest of Edible Comedy!”, “Sheer Genius!”, “The Best (insert movie genre) since (insert previously successful film from genre)”, “Even Better than the Original!”, “Even Better than the previous two films in the francise!”, “The Best (insert francise film title) Yet!”, “Heart Stopping Suspense!”, “A Tour De Force!”, “It Will Take Your Breath Away!”, “(insert director’s last name) knows the name of the game, and it’s definitely (insert emotion or film genre)”, “Non-stop Thrills/Chills/Laughs!”, etc, etc, etc.
I may have forgotten a few, but feel free to add some in the comments.
Anyways, the point of this post is to get people to look at who the quote is attributed to. Usually it’s some bum fuck from fangoria magazine or the Hollywood Reporter, or WROK Fox in Pawtucket. The bottom line is that these quotes look good on the covers but are really very deceptive. It’s equivalent to a recommendation from your uncle Ted who owns a copy of “The Mighty Ducks 3″ because he loved it so much. Actually, I saw something on TV about how the people who are attributed quotes don’t even come up with them themselves, they simply put the task on the shoulders of one of their interns and have often not even seen the film in question themselves.
So keep your eyes peeled and beware crappy movies that look cool when you see the covers but realize that they were made for TV as soon as you get home and pop em into the ole DVD player and see Aaron Spelling’s name in the credits.
By the way, anyone remember the van surfing scene from Teen-Wolf? One of Michael J. Fox’s best performances ever, a real Tour
De Force!
“These Waves are Mine.”
So, I’m unemployed. Have been for a few weeks here. I watched a little Mr. Rogers today. He went to the dentist. He thought it felt funny when the dentist blew the air on his teeth to dry them out. The dentist agreed that it was a funny feeling. The dentist told Fred that if Fred were a younger patient he would get a floride treatment for his teeth and Fred asked him if he could just show [the audience] what it looked like. “The floride,” said the dentist, “Helps to strengthen teeth and comes in many different flavors”. Personally, I only remember bubble gum flavor. The dentist busted out some already prepared foam floride trays. The floride was brown in one (chocolate?) and exorcist vomit green (apple?…Vomit?) in the other. I had to cringe when I saw that floride in those trays waiting to be bit down on by some fucking poor unsuspecting kid. God that shit was the worst. And why did the dentist never tilt the seat up when you were biting on the foam trays of floride. It’s like he enjoyed watching you try not to squirm in silent agony as the disgusting floride dripped down your throat…Fuck. I’m listening to the Scorpions right now - “Still Loving You”. Do I even like this song? Also, I caught the tail end of Quantum Leap today. Sam was sitting at a piano in a dress with the cigar smoking guy there. I think his name was Al. Then Scott Bakula (Sam) glowed like he always did at the end of every episode and ended up on a plane smoking a cigarette (Lucky bastard). The cliffhanger was set and the show ended.
Then I watched about five minutes of Tom and Jerry. I forgot how funny this cartoon is - or at least I thought it was when I watched it today. I laughed out loud a couple of times, especially when Tom screamed in pain. It sounds sick, but I completely forgot how human his screams of pain sound. Here’s a link to some downloadable Tom screams if anyone wants to remember. I think they used the same three or four over and over.
Too bad Tom and Jerry lead to my extremely violent behavior and revenge/ stalking practices. Damn the Media to hell. I just need to find the right people to sue - It’s their faults that I don’t have a job…
These are worth a look. Shit, I thought they were funny…
The Crimson Room
The Viridian Room
The White Chamber
You CAN escape from any one of these bastard rooms, but personally, I could only escape the White Chamber without seeking assistance and I had to fight the urge to punch my computer monitor several times.
Warning: If you’re like me, you will find it difficult to just quit when you can’t figure this shit out.
By the way, this post was not done by CEO Luhrman.
Dear Mr. Luhrman,
First of all let me begin by saying that I hope this letter finds you in good health and merry spirits.
It is with great pleasure that I write this letter to you. Since you began Bagaki.com in 2000, my life has changed drastically for the better. Early in the spring of 2000 (a particularly wet and dreary one I might add) I found myself with a variety of both physical and mental health problems as well as in the process of a vicious divorce and custody battle for my son Earl. I had no job and was contemplating suicide/ eating myself to death. I weighed just shy of 400 lbs and traversed my rambler home in a modified wheelchair that allowed for my weight. My skin was covered with excema, I ate as many totino’s party pizzas as I could get my hands on, and rolled around shoeless as they no longer manufactured velcro shoes for feet as fat as mine. I also suffered from an acute case of sausage finger. I felt like that gentleman in “Big Trouble in Little China” who filled himself with air to the point of explosion, except I found that I was filled with fat lard.
Needless to say, I was in a horrible place in my life. I was even considering Scientology! The final straw came in two parts. First, Earl chose his whoring mother over me. Then, that same night, I was masturbating to internet pornography (which is actually quite the experience when you have an acute case of sausage finger) and found that I no longer had the energy or strength left in my Jabba the Hut-Like body to finish.
As I attempted to log off of the internet, one of my fat digits hit the wrong key and I was redirected to a new website. It was the Bagaki Ministries homepage! As you would expect, the site introduced me to all that Bagaki.com has to offer. Hope, faith, redemption, pugilism, hedonism and the constant pursuit of an everlasting corporate utopia. I was born anew in the amniotic fluid called Bagaki.
Well needless to say, I wiped off that fluid with gusto, praised Bagaki, and oozed out of my wheelchair and over to a liposuction clinic. Then I contacted The Ministries and Corporate headquarters and demanded a job. You placed me the same day and I have since risen to the rank of Senior Hooligan. I stole my son back from his bedroom at his whore mother’s home one night and concealed him beneath my skin flaps as I bolted through suburbia and have since begun teaching him the ways of Bagaki. I also saw a company physician who notified me that it was not excema, but rather extremely chafed skin and Bagaki.com Brand Lotion came the rescue. Also, as part of my uniform, and much to my delight, I was outfitted with a new pair of orange velcro shoes. I had my skin flaps removed shortly after and have been maintaining my weight ever since by not eating whole sticks of butter rolled in sugar anymore.
So it is with the utmost gratitude that I thank you Mr. Luhrman, on this day, the fifth anniversary of my involment with the future most powerful corporation and religion in the world.
Kudos Mr. Luhrman, Kudos.
Praise God, Praise Bagaki
Sincerely,
Phil Weaver
Senior Hooligan
Bagaki Ministries
500 Dildolopogus Parkway
P.S. This year’s Bagakimus was simply splendid! If only you could have seen my son’s eyes light up when I broke out the traditional plastic 1.75 liter bottle of Silver Wolf Vodka to be consumed in a single sitting!
I am sorry to say that I think I have addicted my brother to a Michael McDonald song. It’s called “Take it to Heart†and it’s definitely a timeless classic or at least a “Time-Life†classic. I did not understand what I was doing when I first played it for him. It was at my current place of residence and I happened to have the video on my computer which I downloaded through itunes (yeah, I actually payed for a Michael McDonald video, but it was with itunes bucks that I won). So anyways, I said, “Check this out,†and played it for him. We both agreed that the video was difficult to watch, but at the same time, that soulfull, husky baritone voice pouring from the speakers struck a cord deep inside of his brain, which is no surprise because hey, the guy can sing.
So later that day I cruised over to his house and he was drunk as all hell smelling like fetal alchohol baby (it was approximately 6:30 PM on a sunday). He demanded I retrieve the disc from my car so he could listen to the song. I complied, but when I went to leave he again made a demand that I leave the disc with him. I went to the car and borrowed him a different disc with the same song on it. I left him to McD and went home.
Several days later I spoke with him and he said he could not stop listening to the song every time he drove in his car. “I listen to it like six times a fucking day,†He said. Now, I remember hearing from someone who was an expert in addiction that they always double the number of drinks etc that the addict claims because they just assume that they downsize it to look better or whatever. This would mean that my brother is listening to the same McD song at least twelve times a day. He also said, “I’ll go to the the next track or put in a new CD, but after thirty seconds I’m back listening to ‘Take it to Fucking Heart’â€. Then, as if this was not enough of an indication of an out of control Michael McDonald addiction, he called my phone one night at approximately 3:00 AM and left a message for me. I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand on end as I listened to the message the next day. It was a solid thirty second clip of McDonald’s “Take it to Heart”.
Due to the fact that his McDonald habit is now beginning to affect others, I think it’s time my family and I sat him down and had a “carefrontation†about his unhealthy intake of Michael McDonald. Then again I listen to a lot of the guy myself. Now that I think of it, I’m kind of like a Michael McDonald pusher (note that I just happened to have some extra McD for my brother in my car). I have also gotten another brother of mine into McDonald’s “unique blend of blue-eyed soul and soft-rock musicâ€. I guess that means we’re all kind of like drug buddies.