Valentine’s was a bust for you too. That date just didn’t turn into what you thought it could or maybe your girl/boyfriend just isn’t cutting it anymore. Solve your problem with a letter, a breakup letter. This is what I received today in the mail… from myself.
Dear Thimble Dick,
By the time you read this, I’ll be hocking your jewelry. I’m sorry for doing this but, it fulfills my sadistic fantasies. I know this might comes as a bit of a answered prayer to you - especially because you’re too buried in porn to notice. But I’m sorry – I just need hot sex with someone who isn’t a human potato sack. I think you’re totally keen, but I don’t think we’re right for each other. First of all, we’re not compatible. You’re a German Scat Aficionado, and I’m crippled by inhibitions. You like watching TV, you eat inorganic produce, and enjoy Aqua Velva, and I don’t like two of these things. Your favorite movie is Anything Steven Segal, and your favorite band is C&C Music Factory. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said “Nuke me some fucking hash browns!”. Anyway, I want to date everyone at your firm. But you know what? I still want to be stalked. We can totally forget the other is alive . We had some good times, or so you told me . But please, don’t get all John Wayne Gacy like last time. That means no clawing your face. And look - I won’t even make an issue out of the you owe me, or the fact that you totaled my car. So take care of yourself - and irrigate that chancre.
Yours In Contempt,
Gurt
P.S. I faked every orgasm.
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