blog.bagaki.com

Here are a few great quotes from one of Ron Popeil’s infomercials. I will have to dig up some more and make a page dedicated to “the ronco quotes that changed the world”.

setting: two female hosts are talking to a balding American woman about her hair loss, Ron is about to spray some of his canned, compressed hair on her head…

host in tan: “she just said, im waiting for a miracle.”
host in pink: “well your gonna get one.”
ron: “yes, i believe this is your miracle.”

setting: later in the same Ronco GLH Formula 9 Hair System infomercial, you gotta love spray on hair…

host in tan: “ya know naturally ron, you have to ask things like toxicity.”
ron: “this product has been tested for 10 years, its effective, its safe, and its just a plain ordinary cosmetic, and it just washes in the evening, aahh, let me just put a little more out, and this is all she had(has) to do.”

I am not a fan of public toilets, but when you are a “cube monkey”, like me, and you sit at your desk all day the need arises. Well today the need arose. I went into the restroom and found it empty, just the way I like it. I don’t know what it is, maybe stage fright, but I do not like to do the Deed with others in the restroom. As I was sitting there another gentleman walked in and had to use a stall as well. I thought nothing of it until he started to flush every time he pooped. This was an obvious attempted to cover up the sounds he was producing. Well let me tell you it did not help. He was really struggling. I mean these are some high powered, industrial strength toilets. When you flush these “Bad Ronalds” they make some noise and I could hear him over the flushing. The first time was kind of funny, the second time I had to hold back the laughter, but then the guy goes all out on the third, not only did he flush but he also started to make a loud “I am trying to clear my throat” sound as well. After that, I completely lost it and helped him out my making a laughing sound. At that point I decided I would leave the restroom before this guy did, in hopes I would not run into him. Thankfully I did not while washing my hands. I do not think I could have refrained myself from asking, “Tough day at the Office?”

Good thing Sony and Microsoft are battling each other instead of making innovative products. Nintendo does it again. I want to buy one, and I am not a heavy user of video games anymore. This thing will be fun, especially for a group of friends. Now I need a 62″ LCD TV to play it on.

• USA National Gas Temperature Map
• 8-bit Gamer test

Save it before its gone.

http://www.earthday.net/

What would everyone think if I took a hiatus for a few weeks. No posts from Gurt Luhrman. I’m in the doldrums of depression, super busy wrapping up some other obligations, and the blog is turning into a boring waste of time for readers. I am not pleased with the quality of writing I have been demonstrating as of late, and being a perfectionist this just isn’t acceptable. Without quality and uniqueness, this blog is just like all of the others - and Mr Bagaki won’t stand for that.

Whether you mandate the hiatus, I mandate it, or Mr Bagaki mandates it, it seems inevitable. I might drop a line in here and there, but right now my daily posts are missing the mark. Ultimately, the purpose of this is to clear my head of a million other things that are clogging my creative canals. It is my intent to not only return with a fury of shit, but to bring you 3-4 decent posts a day, with 1-2 excellent posts a week (more like short essays).

I don’t want to loose any of my readers though, and would like to ask for some help over the next few weeks. We are already pleased to have contributors like Gooncho and Kevin Semlak on the panel, but are seeking a few more. If you think you have what it takes to make blog.bagaki.com a truly entertaining and unique online experience, please contact me ASAP. This is your time to shine. Have ideas that you want to communicate to a broad public? Just want to rant or piss people off? How about control the information that many viewers absorbed daily? This is your opportunity of a lifetime. Take temporary control of the blog and change the lives of millions. It is all up to you.

Answer for April 14th: A) Stigmata. Sorry no comment here. Those Catholics already protest enough, no reason to add fuel to the fire.

 In “Trilogy of Error” (CABF14), Homer says he likes his breakfast fried and what?

A) Covered in bacon run-off

B) Chicken-fried

C) Wrap in pancakes, covered in butter

D) Decorated with those little umbrellas

I have been watching blog traffic and interaction the past few weeks and have seen an increasing trend in low reader involvement. This sparks my interest. It has a few implications - 1)why 2)what can be done to increase a)viewers or readers, b)increase interactivity, c)retain readers, d)encourage readers to view the site regularly.

As I work to solve this issue, let me leave you with this story. Yesterday I was on my way to the post office when I noticed a nice man standing on the corner of an intersection eating a dilly bar. It was chocolate coated, you know the stuff - a brown substance that is flavored to remind you of what chocolate should taste like. As I approached the intersection, in which I was turning, I noticed the man did not look as though he was operating at full capacity. As I began my turn, I watched as a piece of his frozen treat broke free from the stick and fell to the sidewalk below. To no surprise, and against my yelling “don’t do it”, the man bent down - picked up the piece of frozen treat - and placed it in his mouth. There is nothing like a oil/gas/pavement/dirt flavored melty ice-cream treat to tantalize the pallet. What an enjoyable day.

My frickin’ allergies as so damn bad this year, I could kill someone. I am on medication, but it does little to help. The only time I can semi-enjoy myself is when I am in my apartment where the air is purified with a filter the size of a box fan. If I open the window for even a few minutes, I go straight to hell. It is times like this I wish I could just bash in my face to save myself the agony.

On a lighter note, at least I don’t have to eat a placenta. What a sick asshole. Someone should bash that mans face in. Who says something like that? I think that society should hold him to that stupid statement - FOX might even air it to grab some viewer attention. If anyone has seen a placenta, you would not want to eat it, that is for sure. F-ing jerk.

So I just puked in my mouth. What a gross way to start a story, but it did get your attention. I really didn’t puke, it was one of those burp type things that contained some stomach juice and food that I recently ate. That aside, here is the real story.

At work this evening, the pay phone in the building in which I was located began to ring. Usually I don’t answer them, simple because it is a wrong number. Today I felt saucy. So I approached the phone, lifted the receiver, and chanted my trademark phrase: “I’m Gurt Luhrman”. There was no response. All I could here is what seemed to be a party in the background. I waited a few moment, then repeated: “I’m Gurt Luhrman”. Still nothing. At this point I hung up the receiver and began laughing. This poor soul dialed someone, probably a friend, and to their surprise got the delightful Gurt Luhrman at their service. It was really too bad they didn’t respond with something, anything. I am sure they were in such shock they couldn’t speak, I mean with my sexy voice and all penetrating their ear canal. What is more soothing, once drunk, hearing me sing my voice into a phone.

This event has sparked a newfound fire in my belly. I cannot wait until the next mis-directed call. The person on the other end won’t know what is happening. I thing next time I will just start telling them the weather report of something. The poor soul will have no idea what is going on, especially when they thought they were calling grandma.

When looking at the photo to the left, I wonder what is going through Wilford Brimley’s mind.

“Damn I can act, this scene is cake - chocolate cake - boo-yah!”

“I wear my sunglasses at night”

“Where the hell are those diabetic supplies I ordered, damn Liberty Medical”

• WELCOME TO EXIT MUNDI: A COLLECTION OF END-OF-WORLD SCENARIOS
  bagaki’s end of the world scenario - i eat scambled eggs that were poisened by my refridgerator who is the leader of the walt disney animatronic revolt
• 220 Dates for the End of the world!!! Date Setters!
  oh what the hell, lets instill some fear - bagaki presents… WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!
• An Inconvenient Truth - Trailer
  i hope we all die from genetic modification before we die from global warming. i want mutant corn cobs attacking people in the streets. i want cows with 6 heads firing machine guns. I want to breath underwater.
• –{ WEATHER WARS by Scott Stevens }–
  im bringing this one up again, just because it’s fitting. Scalar Weapons - maybe we will “try to fix” global warming by messing with the weather, then kill us all in the process. It is sad that himan kind is heading into hell as we know it.

Answer for April 4th: B) The Art Teacher’s Office. I guess that makes sense, my favorite class always was Art. There is a explanation for everything.

 

In “Brawl in the Family” (DABF01), Milhouse wonders why he doesn’t get a social worker, since he has what?

 

 

 

A) Stigmata

B) Revenge Fantasies

C) Social Problems

D) Tendencies to Wear his Mom’s Clothes

A good friend of bagaki was hailed on yesterday. Kigis experienced some golf ball sized hail while out for a jog. He suffered major lacerations to the head, face, and crotch. we are praying for a quick and painful recovery. We wish him our best.

Note: Actually that hail looks bigger than golf ball sized, it looks hurty sized.